Polls show that one of the top New Year’s resolutions people consistently make is to appreciate their family and friends and to spend more time with them in the coming year. One resolution that doesn’t show up is learning how to receive. This is a powerful, and yet often neglected way of showing appreciation of others.
It’s been ingrained in us to think that it is better to give than to receive. Consequently, some of us have never learned how to receive. The result of not receiving well is that we deny others the pleasure of feeling valued—we deny them of the joy of giving.
Here are some pointers to remind you to receive in a graceful manner.
1. Accept compliments and praise graciously.
This means avoiding well-intentioned, but nonetheless negative comments such as: “You’re too generous.” Contrast this with: “Thank you for saying this.” If appropriate, think about telling something about the item complimented. “Thank you. It’s a graduation gift my father gave me. It means a lot to me.”
Seneca, the Roman philosopher, made this observation: “You can tell the character of every man when you see how he receives praise.” Dismissing a compliment or praise we receive, even if out of modesty, is the equivalent of unwrapping a gift and tossing it back to the giver.
2. Honor someone who gives you a gift.
Don’t dismiss a gift with the proverbial “You shouldn’t have” or worse still “You know you don’t have to do this.” Every person offering a gift experiences an anticipatory excitement—the dismissal unintentionally robs the moment of its energy.
3. Know the etiquette of receiving.
In her article “9 Ways to Take Compliments Without Looking Conceited,” LisaMarie Luccioni provides some insights on the art of receiving that we may not all be aware of. For example, when you receive a trophy, certificate or plaque, accept it with your left hand, so that you keep your right hand free for a proper handshake; or demonstrate the right protocol, if you are complimented with a toast: “Toast recipients do not themselves drink,” advises Luccioni. “Acknowledge the toast, (with a head nod and smile . . .) allow everyone to have a sip of beverage, and then offer a return toast (where you can then drink.)”
4. Never say “Thank you, anyway.”
This is often a typical, automatic, response to someone who has done something for us which turned out to be not what we needed. “Anyway” in this context is a weasel word— a careless habit which takes on the unintended meaning of: “Thank you for nothing.” Why not simply thank them for their time or effort?
5. Teach a child how to receive.
Teach a child the language of appreciation by modeling the way yourself. You would be giving them a lifetime gift, more valuable than the most expensive toy.
Ultimately, receiving affirms our interdependence and strengthens the human bonds we have with each other. Author Amanda Owen said: “Who is the Giver and who is the Receiver when we look at the relationship between a butterfly and a butterfly bush? They give to each other and receive from each other.” Receiving well is emotional reciprocity in its most elegant form. It is the most generous way to show appreciation for the attention others give us.
“I would maintain” said G. K. Chesterton, “that thanks are the highest form of thought.” It is easy to let our thoughts be consumed by concerns about reduced economic security, rising health care, energy or food costs, and other worries about the future. It takes more effort to focus, instead, on being grateful for what we have.
We all know the old adage: count your blessings not your sorrows. Science has now proven that heeding the wisdom in this worn-out saying produces tangible physical and emotional benefits. In his book, THANKS! How The New Science Of Gratitude Can Make You Happier, Dr. Robert Emmons, who is considered the world’s leading expert on the psychology of gratitude, reports that experiencing anger, frustration, anxiety and insecurity, causes our heart rhythms to become incoherent or jagged, interfering with the communication between the heart and the brain. It causes our hearts to function in a less efficient manner. This is a hefty price to pay for worrying about the future.
On the other hand, heartfelt emotions such as appreciation produce “harmonious heart rhythms that are considered to be indicators of cardiovascular efficiency and nervous system balance. When people consciously experience appreciation and gratitude, they can restore the natural rhythms of their heart.”
Here are some tips for cultivating gratitude, not only on Thanksgiving Day, but all year-round:
1. Allow gratitude its moment
As neuropsychologist Rick Hanson explains in his video How To Take In The Good, it is not enough to feel grateful for a few seconds when something good happens. For your brain to get the full benefit of the positive event, you need to consciously focus your attention on the event.
Let yourself feel good, even when it is small things such as putting the kids to bed or handing in a report on time. You do this by intentionally acknowledging the moment, feeling it for 10 to 30 seconds and letting it register deeply in your emotional memory. As Rick Hanson aptly puts it: “Don’t leave money on the table.” Savor all good moments! Life is a long series of moments.
2. Practice introspection
The Japanese have a beautiful concept known as Naikan, which means self-reflection, or looking inside. This is a powerful practice for enhancing our self-awareness and increasing our capacity for gratitude. It involves asking yourself three questions, at the end of each day:
What have I received from (person x)?
What have I given to (person x)?
What troubles and difficulties have I caused to (person x)?
3. Write a thank-you note every day
This idea comes from businessman John Kralik, who decided to practice gratitude amidst worries about his troubled business. As he explains in his video interview with ABC, writing one thank you note a day changed his life. We can derive a great deal of inspiration from this man’s initiative. More than likely, if we set out to make a list, we would find dozens of people who could be the recipients of our gratitude, whether it is a friend, a family member, a teacher, a neighbor, a physician, a handy-man or the server at the local coffee shop who remembers how we like our coffee.
4. Watch the Gratitude Dance
It is almost impossible to watch this video of the original Gratitude Dance, without breaking into a smile. Better still, watch it with your family and friends. Watch, as well, the video of this young man who practiced the gratitude dance and inspired people in 42 countries.
5. Take a hiatus from negative news
Go on a crash mental diet by skipping all negative news and focusing instead on uplifting intellectual pursuits. Part of the diet includes re-evaluating the time you spend on social media sites. Consider hanging around sites such as Berkley University’s Greater Good: The Science of a Meaningful Life or watch uplifting videos on TED.com such as Neil Pasricha: The 3 A’s of awesome.
6. Take the Gratitude Questionnaire
Self-awareness precedes self-management. If you want to measure your Gratitude Disposition, take Dr. Robert Emmons’ Gratitude Questionnaire. If your score is low, consider making the practice of gratitude a part of your behavioral habits. If you score high, congratulate yourself on your ability to regulate your emotions and maintain a state of grace. It is a sign of emotional intelligence.
Acknowledge the presence of good in your life. Louie Schwartzberg, award-winning cinematographer and director, talks about the years when he didn’t have much money but he had time and a sense of wonder and spent years photographing breathtaking time lapse photography of flowers. In Gratitude, one of the most inspiring videos, he says that to see the flowers move is a dance, that he will never tire of. Their beauty envelopes us and they also provide a third of the food we eat. “Beauty and seduction is nature’s tool for survival because we protect what we fall in love with.” Take time every day to think of all the things in your life that you could be grateful for. Celebrate your life.
Leadership scholar, Warren Bennis said: “We seem to collect information because we have the ability to do so, but we are so busy collecting it that we haven’t devised a means of using it. The true measure of any society is not what it knows but what it does with what it knows.” There is a wealth of information at our disposal today on the latest discoveries in brain science. While we enjoy reading about these findings and expanding our intellect, how many of us actually apply these concepts?
We can drown in information or turn it into a lifesaver by extracting its practical knowledge. This article outlines five important discoveries in brain research that can help us improve our personal and professional lives, as well as help others in our sphere of influence.
1. Use visualization to learn a new skill.
Neuroplasticity is the ability of the brain to continuously create new neural pathways. When we repeat a skill that we are trying to master, we strengthen the neural networks that represent that action. The same happens physically in the brain whether we perform the action, or simply visualize it—Your brain cannot tell the difference between an action you performed and an action you visualized.
In a
Harvard University study, two groups of volunteers were presented with a piece of unfamiliar piano music. One group received the music and a keyboard, and was told to practice. The other group was instructed to just read the music and imagine playing it. When their brain activity was examined, both groups showed expansion in their motor cortex, even though the second group had never touched a keyboard. Einstein, who is credited with saying that “Imagination is more important than knowledge,” used visualization throughout his entire life. Why not take advantage of what we know about brain plasticity and take the time to add visualization as part of your rehearsals of anything you are trying to master, such as delivering a flawless presentation?
2. Achieve your goals by keeping your mouth shut.
This idea was popularized by Derek Sivers, a professional musician, in his presentation at TED.com.
As he explains, psychology tests have proven that when you tell someone your goal, and they acknowledge it, you are less likely to do the work to realize the goal. This is because your brain mistakes the talking for the doing, that is, the gratification that the social acknowledgment brings tricks your brain into feeling that the goal has already been accomplished. The satisfaction you experience in the telling removes the motivation to do whatever it takes to actually make it happen. Heed this information and keep your goals to yourself. It might just spur you to work harder to achieve an important goal.
3. Smile to improve your mood.
The Facial Feedback Hypothesis indicates that facial expressions representative of an emotion trigger changes in your body that are similar to those that happen when you experience the actual emotion. For example, your brain cannot tell the difference between a posed smile or a genuine smile—A posed smile will elicit, physiologically, the same pleasure or happiness response as a genuine smile. Your facial muscles cue your brain to experience that positive emotion. Taking notice of this, consider how this information can help you to regulate some of your emotional reactions by controlling your facial expressions. Try this the next time you are in a bad mood: instead of frowning, which reinforces a negative mood, consider smiling. Research has shown that by doing so, you are likely to experience a more positive mood.
4. Understand the physiology of emotional pain to develop empathy.
Research at the Department of Psychological Sciences at Purdue University discovered that social or emotional pain is as real and intense as physical pain. The same brain networks are activated when a person experiences a physical injury as when they go through a painful emotional experience. Your brain cannot distinguish between physical and emotional pain. “While both types of pain can hurt very much at the time they occur,” says Dr Kip Williams, “social pain has the unique ability to come back over and over again, whereas physical pain lingers only as an awareness that it was indeed at one time painful.” Consider for a moment that when we hurt someone emotionally, it may very well be the equivalent of breaking one of their bones. We can create a better world in our sphere of influence just by being mindful of this thought and using it to help develop our empathy towards others.
5. Lower your stress level by managing your thoughts.
There is ample research proving that your brain cannot tell the difference between a real and imagined threat—The physical response is the same. In
Mystic Cool: A Proven Approach to Transcend Stress, Achieve Optimal Brain Function, and Maximize Your Creative Intelligence, Don Joseph Goewey provides a powerful tool—The Clear Button— to thwart fearful thoughts and stop the escalating stress. This 10-second strategy works because it creates a distraction from the primitive brain where fear resides. Care to test it out? Follow these steps:
Imagine that there is a button in the center of your left palm; imagine that this button, when pressed, will send a signal to your brain to stop the fearful thinking.
Press the button with your right hand as you become aware of your breath.
Take three easy breaths counting them out.
Imagine a different color for each number.
As you exhale, relax in the present moment.
Parker J. Palmer, founder of the Center for Courage and Renewal once said: “Science requires an engagement with the world, a live encounter between the knower and the known.” In other words, knowing is not enough. We do ourselves and others a great disservice when we don’t decide to act on the gift of knowledge. It’s the difference between hording information and developing wisdom.
About two-thirds of our conversation is devoted to social topics—talking about ourselves and others. According to the research of Robin Dunbar, Professor of Evolutionary Anthropology at the University of Oxford, the conversations revolve around personal relationships and experiences, our likes and dislikes, others’ behavior, “who is doing what with whom, and whether it’s a good or bad thing; who is in and who is out.” We seem to be obsessed with gossiping about others, from relatives, friends, partners, co-workers to high-ranking individuals and celebrities.
In his book, Grooming, Gossip and the Evolution of Language, Dunbar claims that we are hard-wired for such gossip. He states that language evolved to enable our male ancestors to do things like co-ordinate hunts more effectively, and goes so far as to say that “language evolved to allow us to gossip.” Our nearest relatives, the monkeys and apes, spend a fifth of their time grooming one another; this allows them to form bonds and partnerships. It is Dunbar’s theory that, as a species, we have evolved to replace this physical grooming with “vocal grooming,” which is another word for gossiping. Just as with non-human primates, gossiping for us constitutes a social bonding mechanism which helps us form alliances with one another.
Statistics show individuals spend an average of 65 hours per year gossiping and that 61 percent of the workforce engages in this activity. In a Scientific American article The Science of Gossip: Why We Can’t Stop Ourselves, Frank T. McAndrew reinforces some of the benefits of gossiping which makes us feel connected to others, and helps keep bad behaviors in check for fear of becoming the target of gossip. But, apart from the loss of productivity, there are many downsides to gossiping, as we all know. While many of us find it reprehensible, we have all participated in some form of gossip. As McAndrew states, gossip “is a part of who we are.”
While it is not realistically feasible to suppress gossip in the workplace, what can we do to mitigate its harmful effects? Here are some tips to help you:
1. Lead a life that makes you proud of who you are.
We cannot control what others choose to say about us, but there is less likelihood that we will be the target of gossip if we consistently conduct ourselves in an ethical manner. As Will Rogers put it humorously: “Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip.” Honesty and integrity, in all areas of our life, are personal assets that no one can ever take away from us.
2. Manage your online reputation.
Social media networking encourages too much sharing of personal information: ill-advised status updates on Facebook or tweets of a private nature. Put a value on your online privacy, and be judicious in what you share. Everything you post forms a part of your digital fingerprints. At work, set up healthy, professional boundaries and teach others to respect them.
3. Practice good email hygiene.
Long ago I read this piece of advice: don’t say anything about anyone in an email that you can’t afford to have 50 people read. After you have drafted an email of a sensitive nature, go over it and purge anything that hints of gossip. Set up a personal policy that you will not forward any email you receive which contains unkind remarks about someone. Protecting others’ reputation, even if they are no longer in the company, is a sign of leadership.
4. Raise the quality of the conversation.
Develop a reputation for being the kind of person who speaks more about ideas than about others. Be well read, develop interests in diverse areas such as your industry, your products, your community’s welfare, and the world around you. As you expand your mind, you naturally expand others’ mind and, in so doing, help everyone rise above petty concerns.
5. Avoid gossiping yourself.
While it is not practical to be seen as a self-righteous person who never participates in gossip, there is much you can do to avoid it without being ostracized or feeling socially isolated from your group. For example, if gossiping is habitual in your team meetings, you can listen, but not comment; you can redirect the conversation; you can stand up for someone who is absent; you can also temporarily excuse yourself.
Know the difference between entertaining, informational and harmless office banter and malicious gossip. Draw the line on the latter and lead by example. People will notice and you might even succeed in inspiring others by your conduct.
6. Ask others to hold you accountable.
Breaking a lifelong habit of casually making unkind remarks about others can be difficult. Ask others to help you by reminding you every time you make such a comment. A good place to start is at home. Marshall Goldsmith, a famous leadership coach, went so far as to ask his staff to impose a fine of $10 every time he made a destructive remark. It worked!
7. Enforce a No-Gossip Zone in your organization.
If you are a leader, you can take an inspiration from Empower Public Relations, a Chicago firm who instituted a policy forbidding anyone to speak about others behind their back. In an ABC video Did You Hear? Office Bans Workplace Gossip, CEO Sam Chapman says: “. . . gossip can be toxic and cleaning it up is an important mission.” This creates a healthy workplace environment where employees practice brutal honesty and don’t engage in damaging talk behind someone’s back. Encourage open communication in your team and eliminate rumors from spreading by sharing information in a timely manner.
8. Define professional conduct in the performance appraisal form.
Most definitions of professional conduct in a performance review form talk about projecting a professional demeanor with colleagues and clients, but they don’t include not gossiping as an example of professional behavior. Consider adding strong and explicit wording such as “Makes destructive comments about others” and rate employees on this behavior. Watch what happens.
9. Handle gossip about you with equanimity.
If you find yourself the target of gossip, deal with it calmly and with aplomb. This means not expressing anger or seeking revenge. Approach the person and let them know that you are aware of their actions and ask them to stop. Sometimes, this is enough to stop those who have been uncovered as malicious gossip is a coward’s act.
Perhaps the most important thing we can all do in avoiding gossip and its harmful effects in our lives is to free ourselves from the need to know other people’s business. There is something very liberating when we abandon the desire to know what others are doing and abandoning ourselves instead in our own achievements, in pursuing worthy goals and making a difference in our world. Any time spent concerning ourselves with the affairs of others is less time spent on what matters, on doing quality work and on focusing on what will make us grow. This is what Einstein’s may have meant with his less-known formula: “If A equals success, then the formula is A equals X plus Y and Z, with X being work, Y play, and Z keeping your mouth shut.”
There is an African proverb that says: “Don’t look where you fell, but where you slipped.” When we find ourselves on the conflict carousel, we often tend to lose sight of the root cause of the conflict. It may very well have originated with us, but, once the conflict with a colleague or superior is set in motion, we seem to suffer from temporary, corporate amnesia—the emotional nature of the conflict clouds our objectivity.
Learning to deal with emotions in negotiations or conflict situations helps us to be more effective, whether in our professional or personal life. In the book Beyond Reason: Using Emotions as You Negotiate, Roger Fisher and Daniel Shapiro provide a powerful framework for dealing with emotions without being overwhelmed by them. The authors identify five concerns in our relationships with others which elicit, for better or for worse, many of the emotions that surface in negotiations and conflicts:
1. Appreciation
Do you feel heard, understood and valued for your point of view?
2. Affiliation
Are you treated as an adversary and kept at a distance, or are you treated as a colleague?
3. Autonomy
Do you have the freedom to make a decision without feeling that someone else is telling you what to do?
4. Status
Do you feel treated with respect, or do you feel diminished?
5. Role
Do you have a fulfilling or meaningful role in your conflict situations or negotiations?
When you find yourself in a conflict scenario, run these five core concerns in your mind and ask yourself, for example, how you might be failing in letting the other person feel appreciated throughout the interaction; or how you might, unwittingly or not, be diminishing their status, or placing them in a corner in terms of autonomy. Could you have broadened their role by asking for their advice or recommendations? Keeping the five concerns in the forefront when you find yourself in a conflict situation can help you manage the emotions in the room.
Here are some additional tips for enhancing your ability to manage conflict, whether on the job or at home:
1. Become aware of your role in escalating or de-escalating the conflict
Escalators cause a conflict to quickly intensify. These are words or phrases we use that have the unintended effect of fueling rather than tempering a situation. They often start with a “you” statement. Examples include: “You are making a mountain out of a molehill;” “You are too sensitive;” “You are taking this personally.” Escalators are also non-verbal behaviors such as tone of voice, lowering of the eyebrows to indicate disapproval, exchanging a knowing look and smile with someone else in the room or condescendingly patting someone on the shoulder.
Make a list of de-escalators that you can use in difficult situations. Examples include pausing, genuinely making an effort to listen, letting the other person speak uninterrupted, not telling the other person that they are “wrong.” You can also take time out by calling for a coffee break or adjourning the meeting.
2. Know your conflict resolution style
Consider taking an assessment such as the Myers-Briggs Conflict Style Report which will provide you with invaluable information on the way you might approach conflict. For example, are you prone to adopt a martyr stance like, “After all I have done for this team, this is the response I get?” Do you get on the offensive in order to push others to adopt your own solution, or do you habitually stall the process by focusing too much on defining the problem rather than solving it?
Another assessment that is helpful for determining your conflict resolution style is the Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument. This instrument outlines five typical ways of handling conflict; it will show you which is your default mode and how you can develop the flexibility to use the other modes when more appropriate. For example, your natural preference might be an “Avoiding” style (“Leave well enough alone”) when a Compromising approach would yield more benefits (“Split the Difference.”)
3. Help people see the logic behind your argument
Don’t just state what you want without taking the time to give people an explanation of the reasons behind your request. As Anthony Weston said in A Rulebook for Arguments: “It is not a mistake to have strong views. The mistake is to have nothing else.” Spending a little time upfront to paint the picture that helps others see your vision or your idea can be a smart, conflict prevention move.
4. Don’t withhold a necessary apology
In our litigious society, we have been inculcated against ever apologizing for anything. Many may consider apologizing as a sign of weakness when in fact, it is the mark of a statesman (or stateswoman.) It takes a big person to have the strength of character and confidence to apologize when the circumstances warrant it. It may often be one of the quickest ways to end a conflict.
5. Let go of your need to always be right
Think about your values. They may include achievement, status, recognition, power, wealth, family, health, adventure, risk taking, innovation and many others. Is peace of mind on your list? If not, make it a point to remind yourself periodically of its importance in enhancing the long-term quality of your life. There are many ways to achieve peace of mind; one of them is to let go of the need to be right at all cost. Joseph Chilton Pearce said it beautifully: “To live a creative life, we must lose our fear of being wrong.”
6. Don’t lose sight of the higher purpose
As Ron Ashkenas states in “Why Leaders Play Chicken,” we sometimes get locked into a staring down contest, waiting for the other party to blink first. When we do this, we may win in the short-term but it is a vacuous victory. If you find yourself in this contest of wills, stop and remind yourself not to lose sight of the higher purpose, the greater good.
7. Don’t lecture
In our zeal to convince others during a conflict discussion, we forget the value of brevity. Watch that you don’t unintentionally slip into lecture mode. Most people, including you, experience a lecture as patronizing which hinders resolution of the conflict. State your position succinctly and move on.
8. Leave some things unsaid
For many of us, this requires an enormous amount of self-control. In the midst of a conflict discussion, our words can be like an unguided missile, uncontrolled or unrestrained, doing collateral damage to the relationship, long after the conflict is settled. Have some strategies ahead of time that you can use. Consider, for example the power of a 90 second pause to allow you time for self-censoring.
Another strategy in this regard, which comes from the teachings of Shirdi Sai Baba, is to ask yourself, before you respond, “Is it kind, is it necessary, is it true, does it improve on the silence?” Try this sometimes. You will be surprised how effective in can be.
While we cannot control the amount of unbidden conflict that enters our lives, we can control how we manage it. Whether you are in the boardroom or the shop floor, a small business owner, teacher or parent, acquiring good conflict resolution skills is an investment that will pay recurring dividends for your entire life.
In a National Geographic video documentary, “Stress—Portrait of a Killer,” Stanford University neurobiologist Dr. Robert Sapolsky shows us the effect of stress on our bodies. The stress response is critical to our survival, as for example when we run away from a physical danger. What is interesting is that we turn on the exact same stress response for purely psychological states: thinking about our job, the taxes we have to pay, or a thirty-year mortgage.
“The key difference,” says Dr. Sapolski, “is we are not doing it for a real physiological reason and we are doing it non-stop.” So by not turning off the stress response for “life’s traffic jams,” we secrete the same corrosive hormones, and after a while, the stress response is more damaging than the stress itself. Chronic stress undermines our immune system, clogs our arteries, restricts blood flow and kills brain cells which affect learning and memory. If you have ever doubted the effects of stress on your body, this documentary will dispel them.
In studying wild baboons for the past thirty years, Dr. Sapolsky reports that these primates organize themselves into distinct social hierarchies and subject one another to social stress. The stress increases blood pressure, damaging artery walls in low-ranking baboons. The research also discovered that the same applies to humans.
Our standing in the social hierarchy can produce high stress hormones—subordinates, for example, are more subject to the harmful effects of stress. “Feeling” low-ranking is also detrimental to our health. This is tied primarily to a lack of control and predictability the lower we are in the corporate food chain.
New findings also show that stress shortens the genetic structures, called telomeres, which protect the ends of our chromosomes from fraying. The shortening of the telomeres accelerates the aging process in low ranking baboons and the same happens in humans who are chronically stressed.
While we cannot eliminate stress from our lives, there is a lot we can do to minimize its effects. Here are some tips to help you:
1. Pursue interests outside your job
If your job provides you with little control, consider involving yourself in outside interests where you can thrive and be in control. You can be the captain of a soccer team, the president of a Toastmasters club, the organizer of a volunteer group, or the strata council chairman. Your job description does not define who you are as a human being. You are infinitely greater than that.
2. Practice a relaxation method on a regular basis
We all have in our power the ability to lower our stress level by choosing a stress management technique such as mindful reflection or a favorite hobby. An example of a relaxation response that is considered highly effective is the method developed by Dr. Herbert Benson of the Harvard Medical School. Here is a step-by-step explanation the method. The important thing to remember is that, whatever method you choose, it needs to be done on a regular basis.
3. Abandon the notion that being super-busy is cool
We have evolved into a society that sees multi-tasking with an ever-increasing number of gadgets, a packed calendar and popularity based on number of responses to our blog as an indication of status. Valuing more serenity and a less frenetic approach, is, in fact, the smarter choice for our brain and our heart.
4. Strengthen social bonds
We build a reserve when we forge positive relationships with family, friends, colleagues, and neighbors. The same also applies to our online networks. Don’t focus just on your closest circle of friends; cast a wide net of friendly and supportive relationships. Consider, for example, using LinkedIn to reconnect with former colleagues or even classmates. Join a special interest group where you bond with others in a common interest. These ties strengthen us and replenish our emotional bank accounts.
5. Work on developing a calm demeanor
Stress doesn’t affect everyone in the same way. Science has proven that some personalities are more prone to the devastating effects of stress. As this video, “Dealing with Stress” by the BBC shows, a baboon or human who is a Type A personality is more susceptible to illness and premature death.
If you are not sure whether or not you are a Type A, take this test from Psychology Today. If you are a Type A, work on being more patient and consider tempering your approach to perfectionism and to being a workaholic to the point of excess. This is not a suggestion to do poor quality work; it is a suggestion to use wisdom in deciphering what truly matters and to use moderation so that you can thrive for the long haul.
6. Be an empowering leader
If you lead a team, consider the health effects of micro-managing subordinates. Share important information, give latitude and control, give people a say in what goes on, and show appreciation. We all know this, but approaching these leadership practices from the point of view of the employee’s physical health makes empowerment more imperative.
Empowering employees also makes business sense. For example, customers today have a great deal of power in their hands thanks to technologies such as social media, mobile devices, and cloud computing. The way we do business is changing. You need empowered employees who can respond and interact with these empowered customers. In their book, Empowered: Unleash Your Employees, Energize Your Customers, and Transform Your Business, Josh Bernoff and Ted Schadler dub these new breed of employees as HEROS, which is an acronym for “Highly Empowered Resourceful Operatives.” The book will give you a roadmap and tools on how to create an organizational culture that nurtures and takes advantage of the value that HEROs bring to your business.
7. Take responsibility for your team’s mental well-being
Studies show that working for a bad boss can increase our risk of stroke by 33%. Evaluate the leadership skills of the people you put in charge of others, and if there are some that don’t encourage the heart, help them improve this aspect of their leadership. If you team has an aggressive, non-caring office “baboon,” don’t allow that person to control the stress thermostat for everyone else in the team.
8. Maintain a hopeful perspective
Expect a positive personal future. As Warren Buffet recently said: “We take our body blows from time to time, but this country always comes through.” When we maintain hope, we are more prone to put forth a greater effort which raises the odds that we will be successful. Hope is an energizing tonic and an anti-dote to stressful thoughts.
If each one of us, on a daily basis, works to minimize the harmful effects of stress not only for ourselves, but for those who come in contact with us, we would be creating a better world—one that is characterized by civility and kindness. “Kindness,” said Goethe, “is the golden chain by which society is bound together.” This is one great differentiator between us and the baboons.
The BBC documentary video “Capuchins: The Monkey Puzzle,” shows how a monkey reacts to unfairness: When a companion monkey receives a better reward, the monkey loses his composure and would rather go hungry than accept a less than equal reward.
This sense of fairness is hard-wired in humans as well. A recent brain study from the Karolinska Institute and Stockholm School of Economics shows that our brain has a built-in mechanism that triggers an automatic reaction if someone refuses to share equitably. In the study, subjects play a game whereby one player is asked to decide how a sum of money is to be shared between them. The other player can take the proposed share or decline. If the player declines, neither player receives anything. When a player proposes an inequitable 80/20 split, the other player declines, preferring to lose the 20% share and punish their partner in the process rather than accept less than a 50/50 split.
The study showed that the impulse to react aggressively and punish the player who suggested the unfair distribution of money was directly linked to an increase in activity in the amygdala, a set of neurons which plays a key role in processing emotions. A sense of fairness is so hard-wired in us that it trumps self-interest.
Fairness is often a question of perception, so while we may do our best to practice fairness, others may not always view us as fair. Of all the leadership qualities, this is perhaps one of the hardest to practice on a consistent basis. Here are a few tips to help you be fair in the workplace:
Take the Fairness Behavioral Checklist. In The Great Workplace: How to Build It, How to Keep It, and Why It Matters, authors Michael Burchell and Jennifer Robin outline the three key relationships that are found in a great workplace, one of which is fairness. This is defined as “the degree to which employees feel that there is a level playing field.” The book provides a 19-point Fairness Behavioral Checklist to help you create an environment where equity, impartiality and justice exist. Entries include items such as: I ensure that people understand the factors influencing their pay and I let people know what’s needed to seek promotions in my department.
Unseat the power behind the throne. In workplaces, there is sometimes one individual who informally wields a great deal of power, which is independent of position or title. The person is known to have the “boss’s ear” which gives him or her an unfair advantage over everyone else. Often this person might be feared because of their perceived power to possibly harm or hinder someone’s career. If there is such a person in your entourage, consider the effect that this might have on the sense of safety in the team and reshuffle the deck to give everyone an even hand. It’s the right thing to do.
Avoid creating favorites. Are you seen to favor some people over others? This is often experienced as having one set of rules for one person and a different set of rules for another. Do you unwittingly reward sycophants? Marshall Goldsmith, North America’s premier coach, asks four insightful questions in this video which will help you determine if you are unwittingly encouraging this behavior and in the process, run the risk of being perceived as creating favorites. Distribute your attention, time and recognition across a wide group of people in your organization.
Involve all stakeholders in the hiring process. By involving others in hiring a new member to the team, we create not only transparency in an important process of office life, but we also signal that we value everyone’s input on the team. It’s a powerful way to create equality and engender good will, not to mention increase the odds that we end up hiring the right person.
Discourage politicking. While you may loathe office politics and shun them, consider a common situation that unwittingly pulls you into the game. It’s triangulation. This is when two individuals have a problem but rather than solve it themselves, they come to you, each one independently. You find yourself pulled into the drama and having to take sides. Establish a reputation for discouraging this practice and encouraging team members to communicate openly with each other to solve issues.
Shine the light on someone else. Benjamin Disraeli once said, “Next to knowing when to seize an opportunity, the most important thing in life is to know when to forego an advantage.” As leaders, we often have a lot of perks and advantages. Once in a while, choose a well-deserving subordinate and give them the choice spot; for example, send them to the coveted conference, or let them attend an important meeting on your behalf.
Give credit generously. Every person who does the work wants to have their stamp on it, just as every artist likes to sign his painting. For example, while it is not always feasible to recognize everyone who toils in the background to create a report for someone else, strive, as much as you can, to unearth the efforts of all those who contributed. Nothing cements a relationship more than giving someone, who is invisible, credit for their intellectual and emotional labor in a project. Set the example yourself and ask the same of your direct reports. This is the most elevating, and often the least practiced form of fairness.
Developing the sensitivity to truly understand the emotional power of inequity aversion is an important tool in our leadership toolkit. It makes us more attuned to people’s emotions in the work place. We commonly hear the expression: “Life isn’t fair; get used to it,” but this doesn’t mean we have to accept it. If you create condition where your constituencies can depend on the fairness of your organization, you will create a great workplace.
In a recent Scientific American article entitled: “How The Illusion of Being Observed Can Make You A Better Person,” we learn that cues that we are being watched-whether by a fellow human being or simply a poster of a pair of human eyes-have an impact on our social behavior: we tend to be on our best behavior, the research shows, when we feel that we are being observed.
But, contrary to what the article states, this is far from making us a better person. What makes us a better person is a question of character; it’s our moral or ethical strength, and it is independent of societal surveillance. Character is, indeed, who we are when no one is looking.
Nowhere is this more crucial than for those who hold leadership positions. Years ago, I read a line in a book which said: “When in doubt, act like the Chairman would.” This inspiring phrase today runs the risk of eliciting some skepticism when we ponder the deficit of character of leaders in companies such as Enron, WorldCom and Adelphia Communications, to name a few. Leadership is a privilege and with it, come certain obligations, one of which is that leaders need to instill trust in people that they will do the right things, regardless of whether or not they are being watched. It all boils down to character.
In Leadership From The Inside Out, the late Kevin Cashman makes a powerful distinction between character, the essence of who we are, and persona, the external personality we have created to cope with our everyday life. A leader who leads through character is guided by authenticity, while the one who leads from persona is guided by image.
The former has trust and compassion as foremost guiding principles, while the latter is concerned about fear and self-interest. The leader who leads through character is focused on creating value and contribution rather than winning at all costs. Such a leader values openness and inclusion, shunning control and exclusion, the hallmarks of the leader who is driven by image.
Here are a few tips to inspire you in your leadership journey:
Make values actionable. Living your values every day is an important aspect of character in action. Companies go through considerable expense having consultants craft value statements that, unfortunately, end up being nothing more than motherhood statements hanging on the wall in the reception lobby. Prevent this from happening by making values actionable. This helps people know what the values mean behaviorally. “We value open communication” is vague and left to interpretation. Consider what happens if you clarify this by adding: “There are no sacred cows in this team.”
Be known as a promise-keeper. In The Leadership Challenge, authors James Kouzes and Barry Posner consider “Model the Way” through personal example and dedicated execution, as a foundational practice for admirable leaders. One way to put this into action is to keep your promises, to do what you say you will do. No matter how small the promise is, no matter who the promise is made to, strive to keep your word. While events may well prevent us from honoring commitments we made, don’t let a commitment slip by without getting back to people to let them know why you can’t fulfill your promise. Resolve to handle your word as precious currency and watch how your value rises in everyone’s eyes.
Don’t take shortcuts in quality. As Henry Ford put it: “Quality means doing it right when no one is looking.” Do you preach to your team that quality is an important value, yet when there is a crisis, such as a tight deadline, do you find yourself telling people to take shortcuts at the expense of quality in order to get the order out the door? Every time you do this, it erodes your authenticity in the eyes of your constituents. Eventually, when you speak about quality, they will discount it as lip service.
Be consistent in your dealings with others. Do you treat some people in your organization or team better than you treat others? For example, do you unwittingly complain about a member of your team, to other team members, when he or she is not in the room? While we can easily slip into such behavior, especially when we are tired and frustrated by the day’s events, consider that this chips away at your integrity as a leader.
Audit your decisions. At the end of every week, get in the habit of going over each decision you made. Did a focus on the bottom line cause you to forget the impact on some people? Did your biases affect the objectivity of your actions? Are you proud? Do your actions reflect positively on you as a person of character? What could you have done better? Every action we take, no matter how small, has our character stamp on it.
According to Biology Letters’ “Cues of being watched enhance cooperation in a real-world setting,” one of the reasons we are more civilized when we know we are being watched is due to concerns about our reputation. Reputation is the quality or character that other people attribute to us; it’s the surface layer. It’s our carefully crafted profile on Facebook; it’s the multitude of recommendations that are posted on our LinkedIn profile.
Character, on the other hand, is what is deep inside us; it’s who we are on a daily basis, when things go well and when things go wrong. It’s who we are in the boardroom as well as in our living room. We have reason to be proud when both reputation and character are a mirror image of each other. Abraham Lincoln put it this way: “Character is like a tree and reputation like its shadow. The shadow is what we think of it; the tree is the real thing.”
“It’s not that I’m so smart,” said Einstein once, “it’s just that I stay with problems longer.” The fortitude to stay the course, and not to be tempted to give up or give in, is the mark of an Olympic-level mentality.
It’s task tenacity. While some seem naturally gifted in this area, many of us prefer to take the daily shortcut even when we know that this is not the path to long-term success. Why do some continue to keep plugging away, no matter how difficult it becomes while others get discouraged and take detours? On a surface level, we attribute this to a lack of will power. But we now know that it goes beyond that, that a habit of giving up is mostly that—a habit which becomes hard-wired.
On a physical level, habits are the repeated patterns of behavior that form neural pathways; these are best understood as bundles of neurons (nerve cells) that form a highway which connects parts of the brain. Years of practicing a habit create the hard-wired neural pathways which neuroscientists tell us show up as an actual thickening of brain circuitry. This becomes the brain’s default mode, or as Shaquille O’Neil puts it, “You are what you repeatedly do.” This is why it is so hard to break the habit of taking the easy chair in life.
If you, or someone you know, is caught in this bad habit vortex, here are some tips to help you:
Visit your default future before it happens. This idea comes from the recently-released book, Change Anything: The New Science of Personal Success by Kerry Patterson et al. The book is based on research involving over 5,000 individuals, dubbed as “Changers,” who once faced enormous personal challenges but were successful in breaking bad habits to achieve their goals. Our “default future” is the life we’ll experience if we continue to behave as we are. It’s taking a peek into our future to see what can develop from current behaviors. “An actual experience like this ” the authors state, “can profoundly reshape your feelings about your choices when the pep talks … you’ve tried in the past have had no effect.” Give this a try. It has a sobering effect.
Repeat new behaviors. Neuroplasticity is the brain’s ability to continually reshape itself by restructuring the wiring according to experiences we have. A primer for understanding how this works is Daniel Goleman’s latest book The Brain and Emotional Intelligence: New Insights. When we try to change a habit—for example, to control impulsiveness—we create new neural pathways, but they are fragile connections compared to the thick connectivity of old habits.
The only way to overcome this is through tenacious repetition. By persisting, the old habit becomes weaker—that is, the circuitry for it grows thinner and finally withers while the circuitry for the new habit becomes stronger. “That means the circuitry has become so connected and thick,” Goleman says, “that it is the brain’s new default option.”
How long does it take for this to happen? Forget the twenty-one days you were told. “It usually takes three to six months of using all naturally occurring practice opportunities before the new habit comes more naturally than the old.” Tenacity pays off.
Learn from others. Make it a habit to follow far-sighted individuals who send out missiles of inspiration in cyberspace on a regular basis. These are individuals such as Seth Godin or Tom Peters to name a few. Watch, for example, Tom’s motivating video about persistence.
Avoid the Doom and Gloom crowd. When you set out to change a habit, you are on a journey to change yourself. There are those in your entourage who are your cheerleaders who will support and facilitate the change, and there are those who will unwittingly create bumps on the road which will slow you down or even divert you from your course. You know who they are. Hang around the former and protect yourself from the latter.
Give “Rescue Time” a try. Technology is a part of the work we do—we cannot disconnect for long periods. Technology’s downside, however, is that it also turns us into technoholics if we cannot practice restraint. To increase your self-awareness of your technoholism, try a program called Rescue Time. It is a free, time-tracking tool that identifies the time you spend on all the websites, applications, and programs. This means it tracks your habitual time wasters, and it enables you to set goals for improvement.
No matter how strong the links are in our chain of bad habits, they can be broken. Breaking them could mean the difference between winning and losing, between growing and shrinking. We all have that choice—the choice to drop the habits that don’t serve us well and practice those that will enrich our lives. As Thoreau put it, “We only hit what we aim at.”
W. H. Auden once said: “Choice of attention—to pay attention to this and ignore that—is to the inner life what choice of action is to the outer.” The poet’s words of long ago might as well have been written for us today. From the time we wake up to the time we go to sleep, we make important decisions on what we will pay attention to. I am not talking about the attention we pay to our work and our clients—the things that are vital to our organization’s success and our economic well-being. I am talking, instead, about what Auden refers to as our inner life.
Our inner life expands or shrinks in direct proportion to what we focus on. It’s an existential choice; that is, we are responsible for how we spend our time. This is important because our inner life ultimately defines who we are as a person—independent of titles, job functions, or which seat we occupy on the corporate success bus. Jobs can come and go, businesses can start and end, but who we become in the process is what lasts a lifetime.
It’s true that in our highly charged, digital existence, there is, realistically for most of us, only a small amount of time left for discretionary attention. And in this life crunch, the thing that often gets pushed aside is the fitness of our inner life—our family, our personal relationships, our health, and our spirituality. Here are a few tips to inspire you to pay more attention to your inner life:
Live in more than one world. Consider living a multi-dimensional life beyond the four walls (virtual or brick) of your work life. Just before his death, Peter Drucker, one of the most influential business thinkers of our modern time, said that the satisfied, contented people he knew were people who “lived in more than one world. Those single-minded people … in the end are very unhappy people.” Drucker targeted all individuals, but in particular, knowledge workers (he coined the term), who are perhaps more at risk of living in a one-dimensional world.
In Living in More Than One World: How Peter Drucker’s Wisdom Can Inspire and Transform Your Life, Bruce Rosenstein outlines Drucker’s philosophy and shows us how we can create what Drucker considered a total life, one that includes work, friends, family, professional colleagues and affiliation groups; in short, a life that is rich and fulfilling. The secret to achieving this is by living in more than one world, enjoying a diversity of interests, activities, acquaintances and pursuits.
The author recommends starting the journey of living more holistically by completing a “Total Life List,” contained in the book. This is a snapshot of where you are and where you need to go. The book provides a roadmap for creating a total life. You can also join one of the Drucker Societies around the world to expand your views and effect positive change for others. The site also provides a rich set of tools for effectiveness.
Adopt the motto that “charity begins at home.” Balance what you give to others, whether in volunteering, mentoring, or spending hours answering strangers’ email requests, with the actual time you spend with those closest to you. Do you need to make any adjustments to the time scale?
Lessen the emotional footprint you leave on relationships. We are all concerned about the carbon footprint we leave on our environment. Consider the other kind of footprint: the emotional one that we may unwittingly leave on our relationships when we show up stressed, harried, and distracted—consumed by our work and the business. If this describes you, resolve to make some changes. It’s a question of managing your moods so that they don’t spill over from the office to the living room.
Set up non-negotiable personal rules. Make dinner time a sacred space for enjoying food and paying attention to whoever is sharing a table with you. This means setting up a personal rule that you will not check your Blackberry or take any phone calls during that time. Rarely, if ever, is the issue so crucial that it cannot wait the thirty or forty-five minutes it takes to complete this ritual.
Root for your friends. While we don’t purposely set out to ignore the achievement of others, we are often so busy with our own, that we don’t stop for a moment to acknowledge others’ achievements. It takes very little time to congratulate someone on Linkedin when you notice their achievement update; it doesn’t take long to click “Like” on a friend’s Facebook entry or to honor them by re-tweeting an article of interest. More and more today, these are the gestures of grace that send an electronic hug to those in our social network.
Don’t keep score. Attention in any given day is in limited supply. It takes more effort to hold a grudge, for a real or imaginary slight—to remember who did what, or who didn’t do what, or for what reason—than it does to blow it away. Do your best to patch up what went wrong and if, despite your sincere effort, there is no improvement, press the delete button to purge all old stuff that is cluttering your life’s inbox. And make room for new people too.
Put your foot on the brake, at regular intervals, to take stock of your life and where you are heading. Consider if a shift in priorities is necessary and which activities need to be abandoned or scaled back. When you have achieved what you wanted to achieve and hit a plateau, consider what you can do to continue to enrich your life. Above all, as you look into the future, consider those who share your present life. Lee Iacocca said it poignantly: “No matter what you’ve done for yourself or for humanity, if you can’t look back on having given love and attention to your own family, what have you really accomplished?”
